Paradoxical me

I am a paradox.

I desire to serve God to the fullest in my immediate present, but I am impatient for the future and what I picture He has in store for me.  In my head I see the folly of this, but I can't seem to keep myself convinced in attitude and action.  This sickness and revelation of my still too fed human nature is somewhat defeating at times.  Dang this time of month!

Mostly, I am eager to please...but I always seem to choose to please that which is tangible rather than that which has greater meaning.

I argue with myself that I am not ready for what God has not given to me yet--how can I be if God doesn't think so?  Yet again I find myself wishing and dwelling on the thoughts that bring me to that same impatience which makes me realize that I am at war with myself--or I am simply a hypocrite.

Currently Listening Feels Like Home By Norah Jones see related

Operation GRACE

As anybody who may read this can easily tell, I am terrible about keeping it updated.  This fact really doesn't bother me though, given that I don't think anyone reads it and it takes too much time to make it up-to-date and interesting.  My last entry, although interesting and true at the time, is entirely off currently.  Surprisingly enough I am happy about that fact.

More importantly, I just returned (last night in fact) from New Orleans where I spent the last seven days with a kind of disaster relief team from SEBTS.  Wow, what an amazing time that was!  God works wonders in the hearts of His children--How glad am I that I am included in His inheritance!  We didn't do miracles, have a massive revival, relieve all the problems the locals were facing, or anything so dramatic, but we did respond to God's call by serving in that area and by truly being the body of Christ.  I had what might be described as an epiphany--while I was doing some tedious clean-up work at my team's project (St. Peter's Baptist Church) Chris Tomlin was playing in the background (CD), and I realized that I was working unto the Lord!  I was worshiping and Praising my Jesus as I worked.  It made me a little emotional--what a girl, right! 

After one of the team leaders (Travis) spoke one morning and exhorted all of us to finish well, that sort of became the theme of the week--that and "I feel like I've been impregnated with Whale Sperm!" HA! HA!  That Dennis is great! 

There was revival in my heart--I worshipped my Lord in spirit and in truth more this past week than I have this whole semester.  Father, forgive me for my neglect of You.

Currently Listening Christmastime By Michael W. Smith see related

Semester is over and project is turned in--I got a B+.  Things have gotten pretty interesting in the last week--lots of change in such a short amount of time! 

[SIGH] I am such a girl!  The beginning stages of twitterpation are evident to the objective observer, and I don't really mind.  I am enjoying my current stage of this somewhat contagious disease, especially with the semester having ended bringing a decrease in responsibilities.  My appetite has decreased substantially causing my weight to decrease also--this does not bother me at'all!  Right now I am functioning on about 11 hours of sleep in the last 36--3 last "night"; but I don't feel exhaustion, instead I feel a calm giddiness (if that's possible)--it makes me smile and feel a kind of excitement...  I'm not dreading the next stage of this infection in the least, but I'm not at all in a hurry to leave this stage either.  I am sitting here--at work, where I don't care to be so often--and I have a small, soft, constant, contagious smile ;).  Evidently this illness suits me--I have been told so by those closest to me, so it must be true!

I am uncertain about its fatality, but at my current stage I find it difficult to think negatively about this particular disease even slightly.  I think I should like to remain infected indefinitely!

I have made some progress project-wise, but it's not close to done!  My sister is keeping me accountable, though--often too.  There are only two weeks to go before the due date...EEK!  This week is Thanksgiving, though, and I will be home!  Hopefully I'll get lots done, too. 

The pace of life picks up all the time and I keep waiting for it to slow down so I can catch up, but that has yet to happen.  Lord, give me the stamina, determination,  and diligence to make it through all the pressures and responsibilities of this life!